Just a bit of silliness. A plot bunny that hit me while driving. I've never had much of a touch with humor, but hopefully it will give at least a small chuckle. It's part of my larger Ulurakith universe, but honestly, it's purely standalone. New characters, the whole works. Dunno if I'll ever come back to these three. A very rough story, but hey. (Rough as in non-polished. Not as in dark and dreary. )
The Armor Shop
While no one would
have ever considered Ravenspeak to be one of the more pleasant town's
they'd visited, it did have a certain reputation. You could buy
pretty much anything you wanted there. Much of it was brought in by
the ships stopping at the port, but there was also an active crafters
industry in town who made and sold a wide variety of items.
One part of town to
buy those items was in the southeast. It was a little bit run down,
but you wouldn't really call it bad, and the local toughs weren't a
problem. They'd long since learned that most of the people who lived
and worked here were far too tough to be worth messing with. After
all, spending all day pounding iron on the forge tended to make you
tougher than most wannabe troublemakers.
In the middle of
the block was a shop with a neatly painted sign above the door
“Women's Armor.” Inside, Walchyra was sitting behind the counter
working on her ledger. Today was Tuesday, which meant that it was
“Shop Day.” Most other days, she would be at her forge, but on
Tuesdays she would open the shop and take the opportunity to keep her
ledgers up to date.
Walchyra looked up
when the door opened, and could hardly stifle a groan. The man who
had just walked into the store had every sign of being one of “those”
customers. His clothing just screamed “entitle noble brat.”
His silken shirt was open down the front just enough to advertise
that the guy hadn't worked a day in his life. The rapier at his side
was so flimsy that Walchyra wouldn't have trusted it to put a hole in
rotted bark, and his heroic attempt to grow a beard was wispier than
a cloud during the summer drought.
She put on her
best saleswoman face and asked “May I help you sir?” At first,
the fop didn't respond to her, but instead looked around the shop,
examining the pieces of armor on the walls. She had helmets and
legplates and some breastplates and even a suit of mail. The man
looked at each of them and shook his head.
Finally, he turned
to her. “I was told that you made the finest women's armor in
town. Unless you keep your superior stock where it cannot be stolen,
I would have to consider your reputation to be overstated.”
“No, you will
not grab the mace from behind the counter and brain this idiot,”
she thought as she tried to collect her temper.
“Well, as for the
reputation, I try to let my work speak for itself. However, these
are just odd sample pieces. I normally make each piece
individually,” she said.
He seemed to
brighten up a bit. “Oh! So this is just the leavings for the
public. Perhaps you can make what I want then. You see, the woman I
am courting has the odd desire to be a warrior. You realize, I would
not normally associate with such a thing, but she does have
certain... charms you might say.”
“Oh, so he's
after her money or her body... or both.”
Walchyra nodded,
and the man took that as an excuse to ramble on. “I would like to
gift her with a piece of fine armor. Would that be possible?”
“Oh, absolutely.
Of course, we'd have to her come in, figure out what her size is so
that I could make something suitable. What kind of armor did you
have in mind? Full plate mail? Scale mail?”
The man looked
astonished when he heard that. “Plate mail? Oh, no, no, that
wouldn't do at all. That wouldn't be remotely feminine. She is
truly a most beautiful creature and such armor would hide her best
features! No, I would like the sort of thing the Ulurakith wear.”
“Oh, sweet
Nerlana. The Ulurakith? One tribe ruled by a line of warrior queens
two oceans away and every foppish idiot thinks he knows how they
dress?”
“Sir, I have
never seen Ulurakith armor, so I am unaware what you have been told.”
The fop looked down
at her. “Well, perhaps you have not. After all, you are unlikely
to have read widely after all. They are a wild tribe of women and
they wear the most enchanting armor. It's a light metal top, barely
enough to make it legal for them to go out into public. Then a bare
hint of a skirt and knee boots. In fact, I believe I have an
illustration in this book.”
He reached around
in his bag and pulled out a book and it opened immediately to the
page in question. “Yup, the spine of the book is cracked to
that exact page. Again.”
“Sir, you
obviously don't truly love this woman, do you?”
The man's eyes
nearly flew out of his face. “How dare you say such a thing? I do
indeed love my sweet Lurana! How could you say something like that! I
should have you...”
Walchyra cut him
off. “Well, you obviously don't love her if you want to buy her
this kind of armor!”
The fool calmed a
bit, figuring that this was just some kind of a peasant way to haggle
with him about the price and sell him something more expensive.”
“I see, you think
it needs gold trim or the like?”
“No, I said you
don't love her, because this isn't armor at all. Just look at this.
It hardly protects anything. Her stomach is wide open, one good
sword thrust and she'll either have a huge scar, or more likely
she'll be thrown into a grave somewhere. Armor is meant to protect
you, not be something which a woman wears when she wants to take
someone to bed with her!”
The man looked
crestfallen, but to her surprise, he didn't simply turn away and
storm out. Instead, he went over to the wall and started looking
closely at one of the breastplates hung there. She could hear him
muttering. “Indeed, the foul mouthed peasant may have a point.
Sweet Lurana might not take to such a thing well. Perhaps I
should...” With that, he reached up to the breastplate and
started caressing it.
Walchyra sighed
and went back behind the counter. She longed to grab her trusty
mace, but instead she reached out and pulled out another breastplate.
This one was a bit unusual, in that it had two large protrusions in
the armor where a woman's breasts would be.
The fop turned and
when he saw it, his eyes gleamed. “Yes! Exactly! Perhaps your
reputation is deserved after all! This would be outstanding!”
“No sir, in
fact, I got this out to show you why this would be such a bad idea.”
The man looked at
her puzzled. “Why would this be a bad idea? After all it covers her
up, just like you said!”
“Sir, I'm going
to put this armor onto this wooden stand over here. I'd like you to
take your rapier and drive it into her chest.”
The man awkwardly
pulled out his rapier, and with a very rough strike aimed for her
chest. The point of the blade hit along the side of one of the
protrusions, and the point of the sword drove into the armor, right
in between the breasts.
“You see sir,
that kind of armor can just end up slipping a blade into the center
of a chest. Ideally, you'd like the armor to slip the point of the
blade away from the person.”
“But, then what
kind of armor would you have a woman wear? You say you make women's
armor? What is it?”
Walchyra smiled.
“Actually, it's not all that different from men's armor. There are
a few places where you need to shape it differently, and there is a
trick in that, especially for certain women. Otherwise, it's pretty
much the same.
The man turned and
left without another word, which she honestly found to be a relief.
Six weeks later
It was once again store day, and once again, Walchyra looked up when
she heard the door open. This time, it was a tall woman with long
blonde hair. One look at her arms made it clear that she was used to
work, and Walchyra suspected that the sword on her belt was much more
than decorative.
“May I help you?” she asked.
“Why, yes. I hear that you make the best women's armor that there
is? I mean, I've been so looking forward to it. I used to be engaged
to this idiot Penves, but that wasn't ever really my choice don't you
know! It was my parents idea. Anyway, he promised to get me new
armor from you! I mean, I have armor, but I've gotten so tall that
it doesn't fit so well as I would want. I think I'll give it to my
little sister, but then I need something good to replace it.”
Walchyra found herself liking the woman, despite the fact that she
evidently had no need to breath while talking.
The woman plowed on “Well, you know, like I said, Penves was
going to get me something here, but instead he got something stupid.
I mean, he went on about how the Ulurakith are the greatest warriors
and all of this, but that armor he got me was so, so stupid! Maybe
it would have worked at the beach, but on a battlefield? I would
have been better off naked. At least no worse, though it was about
the same I guess. Anyway, that just wasn't good at all. That's not
why he's my ex-fiance though, my parents found out that he was off
with some barmaid! He had the gall to blame me, because I refused
to... well anyway, you get the point. But, all of that, I need
armor, and so what do you have?”
“Well ma'am, what I have on the walls here are samples. If I were
to make you something, it would be made just for you, so we can get
the size right. But, judging by your sword, I would say you want
something fairly heavy duty. Like this breastplate over here. Of
course, we would also do leggings and the like, but this would be the
start.”
She took it down and handed it to the woman. The woman looked at
it, and checked the weight. “Oh, I like this. It's nice and heavy,
heavy enough to be good protection, but not so heavy that it would
slow me down. “ She rapped the steel with her knuckles “Seems
like a good quality of steel too, I like that ring. Now you
mentioned leggings?
“Yes ma'am,” said Walchyra. She went across the room and
pulled a pair of leggings off the wall. They were leather pants with
metal plates attached at key points to provide a bit more protection.
The woman examined the leggings, and checked the quality of the
leather as well as the way the plates were attached to it. When she
got to the top, she stopped and felt it a second time.
“Wait, could this be?”
Walchyra grinned. “Yes, pockets.”
“You ARE the best women's armor maker in town!”
